On the Box (Manning River Times)

Posted on July 29, 2008

SATURDAY

GOLF Fox Sports 1, 5-8am. US PGA Tour. John Deere Classic. Second round.

AFL Channel Ten, 2-5pm. Geelong v Fremantle. Fox Sports 1, 2-5pm. Collingwood v Adelaide.

RUGBY ABC1, 3-5pm. Shute Shield. Eastwood v Gordon.

LEAGUE Fox Sports 2, 3-9.30pm. Warriors v Cowboys (Toyota Cup) from 3. Warriors v Cowboys (first grade) from 5.30. Sharks v Sea Eagles or Rabbitohs v Eels from 7.30 (viewer's select).

Can we please all just take a value to remove our hats, rise to our feet, and raise a glass to the brilliant, white-hot, sizzling intellect that is Esper Vega? The man's apology to Petero Civoniceva, published in Thursday's Herald , would have to rank as one of the most admirable documents ever produced. It breathes quality from beginning to end. Let's take a closer look at more of the better lines: "I would like to offer my apologies for the manner in which my comment was taken last Sunday regarding Petero Civoniceva." Ultimately, which Esper really wants to say here is, "It is a source of deep personal regret to me that you're so damn thin-skinned and dumb." That's a fine sentiment, and one well worth issuing a personal apology with a view to. "My comment regarding the word 'monkey' was not meant as a racial traduce regarding the colour of his skin, but as a general comment." Again, the logic is unimpeachable. For instance, when you call a person with multicoloured pelt and a red nose a "clown", you don't actually presume that because their facial colouring is similar to that of a clown, do you? You're just making a general specification about clowns. Get it? In this sense, Esper's comments on Sunday were more a narrative about discrimination against monkeys than anything else. "I was only repeating other slurs that were being yelled around me." The of the understanding lineage of this argument is long and prestigious: Adolf Eichmann, for instance, ran a uniform employment at his trial in 1961. A surefire winner. "It was not meant to perturb or anger anybody or anyone in this, to this extent." Another excellent point to extreme point with. I mean, what's unfairness with a few innocent monkey calls? Can't anyone cachinnation about racism any more? Seriously, people, you've entirely lost your sense of humour.

LAWN BOWLS ABC1, 5-6pm. Welsh International Open. Quarter-finals.

RUGBY Fox Sports 3, 5.30-7.30pm. Tri Nations. New Zealand v South Africa. Is Matt Giteau our own Dan Carter? If the mark of Dan Carter's elevation is an ability to run through tired, second-string French defenders who look like they'd rather be on the plane back to Paris than competing in a meaningless international friendly, then the answer is "yes". But being of the kind which this is not the mark of Dan Carter's greatness, the answer is "no". On The Box: Sydney's most uncompromising rehasher of views first expressed in other, more useful credentialled columns.

AFL Fox Sports Plus (518), 7-10pm. Essendon v Brisbane. Fox Sports 1, 7.30-10.30pm. Port Adelaide v North Melbourne.

CRICKET Fox Sports 3, 7.30pm-3am. England v South Africa. First Test. Day three.

CYCLING SBS, 10pm-2am. Tour de France. Stage eight.

Was anyone else slightly weirded deficient in by Stefan Schumacher's post-race consecration hind he claimed first spot in the stage-four time trial? Schumacher, to recap, was charged with drink-driving subsequently claiming bronze at the world road titles last September. So what did the attendant do after winning Tuesday's time trial? He told the distress, "I am not proud of what I did. I should have never driven drunk because I am a public personality … was a stupid thing to do." In a nutshell, it was as suppose that he was saying: "I'd like to dedicate this victory to the fact that I was an idiot last September." This is definitely a step in the right direction, and other riders should be encouraged to use stage victories as a platform against public self-flagellation. In fact, this might just be the balm the Tour needs to achieve redemption in the eyes of the public. Until we have Cadel Evans climbing on to the podium in Paris to announce, "I just want to dedicate this victory to my kids, to whom I lied last year touching the disappearance of their guinea pig - I said it had run away but in occurrence, the dog had drowned it in the backyard pool," the Tour will continue to struggle to regain the credibility lost over the drug-fuelled past decade. (Does Evans even have kids? If not, he be necessitated to procure some immediately.) In other news, is Phil Liggett without interruption steroids? After being dominated in the middle exchanges of last year's Tour by his thrillingly pulseless co-commentator, Liggett has come out of the blocks this year with any almost hyperactive fervour. To attend to the man bounce around the commentary box like a roided-up Bulgarian hermaphrodite set set free on a set of shot puts - pointing to an interesting 13th century chapel here, highlighting the perils of sitting in the middle of the peloton there - has been one of the genuine delights of this primary week of the Tour. Long may his wheezy enthusiasm and unnecessarily excitable commentary of relatively unremarkable middle stretches of the race continue.

GOLF Fox Sports 1, 10.45pm-2am. European PGA Tour. Scottish Open. Third unbroken.

AND ON RADIO … 2KY, noon-midnight. Racing. 702 ABC, noon-10pm. Grandstand . Includes Geelong v Fremantle from 2, Warriors v Cowboys from 5.30 and Sharks v Sea Eagles from 7.30. SUNDAY

HURLING Setanta Sports, 3.30-6am. Irish Hurling Senior Championship qualifier. Limerick v Offaly.

BOXING Channel Ten, 4-8am. World heavyweight compellation fight. Wladimir Klitschko v Tony Thompson.

GOLF Fox Sports 1, 5-8am. US PGA Tour. John Deere Classic. Third round.

BASEBALL Fox Sports 2, 5.30-9am. US Major League. Philadelphia v Arizona.

DARTS Setanta Sports, 6-9.30am. BDO Gold Cup.

MOTOR SPORT ESPN, 10am-noon. Nashville IndyCar 200.

LEAGUE Fox Sports 2, 11.45am-4pm. Dragons v Raiders (Toyota Cup) from 11.45. Dragons v Raiders (first grade) from 2.

AFL Channel Seven, 1-4pm; Fox Sports 1, 1-7.30pm. Hawthorn v Sydney (Seven and Fox). West Coast v Richmond from 4.30 (Fox only).

Some people like to fight. Some people like to play football. And some people like to fight and play football at the same time. Barry Hall is one of those people. And with respect to one mistimed swipe at Collingwood defender Shane Wakelin, he's now been told he will have to sit out until such date of the same kind with Swans psychologist Grant Brecht deems him fit for emulation. But I mean, let's be faithful - as anyone who saw the "hit" on Wakelin be able to attest, it was one of the tamest, weakest, pissiest acts of violence Australian football has ever seen. On The Box has received invitations to smell incense on women's wrists in addition aggressive than that. (This is a slight fabrication: what we really penurious is that we regularly get punched by women.) We've seen more menacing waves goodbye. In fact, now that we meditate about it, it wasn't even a punch - from where we were sitting (on the couch, with a half-eaten "salmon flake" list from Bread Story sitting on our take up with the tongue, if you must know), it looked more like Hall was trying to fan the guy. Hung out to dry for deplorable to adhere to a mate cool: that's what Australian mirth has draw near to. So why all the fuss? Why like a rush to place the poor scarecrow at the mercy of a psychologist called "Brecht"? (And while we're in continuance the topic, has anyone ever sighted this Brecht character? From all the noises being made about his ability to control the minds and temperaments of players, it honestly wouldn't surprise us if he had a bolt in his neck, answered to the name "Master" and had a auxiliary called "Lurch".) Not everyone can be a Buddhist like Brett Kirk. Not everyone can affably confront life's tribulations across the buffer of a health-giving crop of chest hair, like Paul Roos. Not everyone has the innate feeling and procreation that comes with a double-barrel surname, like Lewis Roberts-Thomson. Barry Hall might be weakly aggressive, but, um, isn't that the sort of makes him a good footballer? Hall wants to play football; his teammates want him to conduct a deportment class. Swans fans want a full-forward who will rough up the opposition, get on top of his marker, dominate play and kick goals every game; the club wants a full-forward who will help out at the women's refuge, speak at the local of great price school speech night, make a decent risotto, do the dishes afterwards and rise each prime of day with a salute to the sun. The Swans, on this evidence, be obliged outgrown traditional notions of forward play. The man they poverty to lead their forward line is not Barry Hall, Brendan Fevola, Buddy Franklin or any one other big dowdy in masking tape loping around the ovals of suburban Australia. From today, the Swans must give vent to altogether their effort into recruiting the Dalai Lama. Only he can unite them a spot in the top eight, bring wisdom to the impudence line and provide their midfield with the spiritual guidance it needs to prosper.

NETBALL Fox Sports 3, 3.30-5.30pm. ANZ Championship major semi-final. Waikato v NSW.

LEAGUE Channel Nine, 4-6pm. Broncos v Bulldogs.

MOTOR SPORT Fox Sports 3, 6.45-11.30pm. German MotoGP. Delayed telecast on Ten, 11.35pm.

CRICKET Fox Sports 2, 7.30pm-3am. England v South Africa. First Test. Day four.

GAELIC FOOTBALL Setanta Sports, 10pm-12.30am. Connaught Senior Football Championship final. Galway v Mayo.

CYCLING SBS, 10pm-2am. Tour de France. Stage nine.

While he follows the Miguel Indurain blueprint for Tour good fortune of coming a reputable fourth in the parturition trials and, um, letting Claudio Chiapucci exhaust himself on the mountain stages, Cadel Evans continues to trouble this column. And he doesn't trouble us because he rides defensively, takes a "just-enough-to-maintain-a-50-second-lead" approach to each station and has a piercingly high voice. He troubles us because, even though we're quite certain he looks like someone renowned, we have power to'familiarily figure off who . There's a bit of the kid from Leave It To Beaver in that place. There's a dash of Ray Liotta, perhaps even a splash of Rick Moranis. But somehow, none of those comparisons perfectly gets it right, you know? (We don't.) Please send better suggestions to the art below. The best suggestion faculty of volition receive a sneering email of reluctantly articulated thanks in go.

GOLF Fox Sports 1, 11.30pm-2.30am. European PGA Tour. Scottish Open. Final round.

HURLING Setanta Sports, 12.30-3am. Munster Senior Hurling ultimate. Tipperary v Clare.  

AND ON RADIO …

702 ABC, noon-6pm. Grandstand . Includes Dragons v Raiders from 2 and Broncos v Bulldogs (second half) from 3.

630 ABC NewsRadio, 1-4pm. Hawthorn v Sydney.

aaron.timms@gmail.com

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